As a society, we are only just beginning to understand the degree of damage that bullying inflicts on individual teenagers and on their relationships later in life. In this groundbreaking work, James Garbarino and Ellen deLara uncover the staggering extent of emotional cruelty and its ramifications and counter the nursery rhyme that words don't hurt. In this groundbreaking work, James Garbarino, the bestselling author of Lost Boys , and Ellen deLara uncover the staggering extent and consequences of schoolyard bullying and classroom hostility, flat-out contradicting the nursery rhyme that "words can never hurt you." The authors then present evidence that teenagers—hundreds of whom they interviewed—have the solution to school violence, if only adults would listen. Bullying has long been regarded as a way of life. Ever since Columbine, however, student reactions to harassment and intimidation are, finally, driving parents to consider this phenomenon seriously. And Words Can Hurt Forever teaches parents to accept reality (bullying occurs daily), challenge old beliefs ("Kids will be kids" or "If I lived through it, so can they"), and ally with other parents to take on the school system. Revelatory and ultimately uplifting, And Words Can Hurt Forever doesn't just highlight the problem, but offers steps that can be taken—must be taken—to solve it. Daniel Kindlon coauthor of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Lives of Boys One of the most important books written about children in the last twenty years. Rosalind Wiseman author of Queen Bees and Wannabes An excellent, practical, and realistic blueprint for making every school a safe, nurturing environment. Publishers Weekly Revealing student interviews give depth to [the authors'] extensive knowledge. Barbara Coloroso author of The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander A must-read for parents and educators. James Garbarino, PhD, is an author and professor at Loyola University Chicago. He has specialized in studying what causes violence in children, how they cope with it and how to rehabilitate them. Dr. Garbarino has served as consultant or adviser to a wide range of organizations, including the National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse, the National Institute for Mental Health, the American Medical Association, the National Black Child Development Institute, the National Science Foundation, the U.S. Advisory Board on Child Abuse and Neglect, and the FBI. In addition to her recent research on childhood bullying, Dr. Ellen deLara was a Postdoctoral Fellow at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York, where she conducted research with Dr. James Garbarino on child maltreatment at home and at school. Chapter 2: The Secret School Life of Adolescents Over and over again parents are surprised, even stunned, to discover the extent and nature of the emotional and physical violence that their teenagers face at school. Have parents been blind to the reality right under their noses, or are they in a state of denial? The more likely explanation is that teenagers and their parents live in different worlds. Jason, who is fifteen years old, attends a large suburban high school in New York. He has a small group of friends who, like him, are in the band. He is not the kind of kid who gets into trouble at school or at home. He believes in "minding my own business" and still does not understand why he was singled out at school. He described his sense of surprise and helplessness this way: When I was a freshman, I was attacked by four guys at school. I was coming back from band practice, and they dragged me into the boys' restroom and beat me up. I never knew why. No, I never told my parents about it. What for? There was nothing they could do about it. There's nothing anybody can do about it. We have heard many other teens talk with the same level of conviction that there is nothing that they or anyone else can do to change their circumstances during the school day. They just have to figure out how to "take it." This resignation breeds silence, and the students' conviction is reinforced by the rest of the players in the system. For example, as parents, when our daughters come home and tell us that the boys are chasing them on the playground or teasing them with sexual remarks, we might respond with, "Well, they're just doing that because they like you." While this may be true in some instances, it is not enough of a response to help. We need to say more. We need to give girls strategies for thinking through what to do and how to do it. For many of them, every day that they feel tormented by this kind of bullying, their self-esteem is slipping, and their feelings of helplessness are growing. Boys, too, are the recipients of this kind of harassment, particularly those who are smaller, slighter, and gentler than the typical masculine norm. Teachers and other adults often ignore this kind of "play" between teenagers in the mistaken belief that kids have to fig