“I am a one-year-old and this is my autobiography....” Have you ever looked at your baby and wondered what he or she is thinking? Are you ready to find out? “I thought it was about time someone told it like it is. So I’m spilling the beans on the world of a one-year-old. A world where you’re left in the charge of totally inept parents. Where everything’s at completely the wrong height. Where you’re not allowed to splash in the bath but you are in the pool. Where nobody understands a single word you say. And where diapers and poop loom large at every turn. “It’s a roller-coaster ride through one heck of a year. I’ve laughed a lot, I’ve cried a lot, I’ve learned a lot. And so will you. You might even discover the answer to that age-old question: Humpty Dumpty — did he fall or was he pushed? “Anyway, must run. I see a bowl of tepid gloop is being spooned out for me. What joy.” Welcome to the wonderful world of your one-year-old. “[E]njoy a glimpse of life from the other side.” — Publishers Weekly ?I am a one-year-old and this is my autobiography....? Have you ever looked at your baby and wondered what he or she is thinking? Are you ready to find out? ?I thought it was about time someone told it like it is. So I?m spilling the beans on the world of a one-year-old. A world where you?re left in the charge of totally inept parents. Where everything?s at completely the wrong height. Where you?re not allowed to splash in the bath but you are in the pool. Where nobody understands a single word you say. And where diapers and poop loom large at every turn. ?It?s a roller-coaster ride through one heck of a year. I?ve laughed a lot, I?ve cried a lot, I?ve learned a lot. And so will you. You might even discover the answer to that age-old question: Humpty Dumpty ? did he fall or was he pushed? ?Anyway, must run. I see a bowl of tepid gloop is being spooned out for me. What joy.? Welcome to the wonderful world of your one-year-old. a one-year-old and this is my autobiography....” Have you ever looked at your baby and wondered what he or she is thinking? Are you ready to find out? “I thought it was about time someone told it like it is. So I’m spilling the beans on the world of a one-year-old. A world where you’re left in the charge of totally inept parents. Where everything’s at completely the wrong height. Where you’re not allowed to splash in the bath but you are in the pool. Where nobody understands a single word you say. And where diapers and poop loom large at every turn. “It’s a roller-coaster ride through one heck of a year. I’ve laughed a lot, I’ve cried a lot, I’ve learned a lot. And so will you. You might even discover the answer to that age-old question: Humpty Dumpty — did he fall or was he pushed? “Anyway, must run. I see a bowl of tepid gloop is being spooned out for me. What joy.̶ After many years working in advertising, Rohan Candappa is now a full-time writer. He writes funny books full of very bad advice when he is not hiding from his two children. Obviously, he is a little overweight, but he finds that black is a very slimming color. Month XIII In which, if you believe the books, I should be able to get into a standing position, clap hands and indicate wants in ways other than crying. Yeah, right. PARENTS. A FEW THOUGHTS ON THE THORNY SUBJECT OF Essentially parents are odd fish. Their ways are mysterious and many of their ideas are just plain bizarre. I’m not sure what the point of them is, but, like junk mail or a sniffle in winter, they are exceedingly hard to avoid; parents come with the territory. Standard issue is two, though one is fairly common, and three or four not unknown. I myself have in my employ two parents of the usual variety. If you, like me, have a duo of parents, they normally fall into two distinct categories. The first category is Smooth, the second is Hairy. Smooths tend to be full-time staff, whereas Hairies are, at best, part-timers. Some people I’ve met claim their Hairies do equal if not more hours than their Smooths, but frankly I find that a little hard to believe. Smooths also tend to handle more of the refueling functions and the nether-region work. Now, because I spend more of my time with Smooth, the appearance of Hairy, when it occurs, is a situation that can be exploited in many ways. Prime among these is the ruse of spending most of the day in dispute with Smooth, then being all smiles and cuddles when Hairy turns up. It’s a divide-and-rule ploy that never fails to produce results. I know it sounds a little devious, but it’s one of the few chances you have of outmaneuvering parents who so often hold the upper hand. And that is the nub of the parent conundrum. You see, although the parents are undoubtedly working for me, by some ludicrous twist of fate, they have been put in charge. It is a position they are so patently ill equipped to handle that it leaves you with the disquieting feeling that you are the victim of some monstrous mistak