In this wickedly funny guide, professional astrologer Hazel Dixon-Cooper casts off sugar-coated astrology in favor of exploring the maladjusted side of the universe. If you want the inside scoop, the real deal, the lowdown on each sun sign, then look no further. It's time to forget those traditional astrology books where Sagittarians are gregarious, Capricorns are ambitious, and Pisceans are dreamers. Instead, enter a world where Archers are loud-mouthed bores, Goats are pompous social climbers, and Fish are chronically helpless. Dixon-Cooper debunks the myths, reveals the flaws, and examines the dubious virtues of each sun sign. Discover how to use your own inner brat to outwit bullies, outmaneuver manipulators, and win those endless games that lovers play. Learn how to deal with those dysfunctional people you encounter every day, including how to: -contain a Ram's oversized ego -calm a raging Bull -keep a fickle Twin faithful Irreverent, biting, and laugh-out-loud funny, Born on a Rotten Day exaggerates the bad, exorcises the good, and puts a new spin on the age-old question -- what's your sign? Jonathan Cainer Britain's No. 1 newspaper astrologer It made me laugh. Suzanne White novelist and creator of The New Astrology Dixon-Cooper reveals what every astrologer knows but none has ever dared say. Born on a Rotten Day takes us on a seriously humorous ride through the land of truth and consequences. I highly recommend it to anyone who has chosen to go on living and prefers to do so intelligently. Matthew Abergel author of Gay Stars and Work Your Stars Most astrologers accentuate the positive too much. Not Dixon-Cooper. Funnier and franker than your best friend after three drinks, she reveals the black holes among the stars. Hazel Dixon-Cooper has been a professional astrologer for more than twenty-five years. She is the author of the Rotten Day humorous astrology book series. She has written astrology articles and columns for a variety of newspapers and magazines, including Cosmopolitan magazine’s Bedside Astrologer column. She is a popular guest on a wide variety of international, national, and regional radio programs. Chapter One: Malice in Wonderland "I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked. "Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all mad here." Lewis Carroll Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign Your Sagittarius boyfriend acts more like a loudmouthed circus clown than a happy-go-lucky charmer. Your Capricorn brother is a social-climbing snob. His Libra lover is shallow, fickle, and spends hours in front of the mirror. You're confused or skeptical because none of the glowing descriptions in that $1.98 Guide to the Zodiac you thumbed through at the checkout counter match the neurotic bunch you live and work with in the real world. The ancients believed that each of us contains a Universe. We are the center around which the vast threads and everyday minutiae of our life spins. Aries Rodney King asked, "Why can't we all just get along?" The honest question is, "Why can't you guys all get along with me?" Forget feel-good astrology and take a trip to the maladjusted side of the Universe. Outwardly, each of us may profess to live for others. Secretly, we all want what we want, right now. Everyone is mad here, just as the Cheshire Cat said; and egotistical, obsessed, controlling, and moody. Knowing how each sign manifests those disagreeable qualities and learning how to control, aim, and fire the force of your own wicked twin within are the keys to staying ahead of that pack of monsters snapping at your heels. The Basics In astrology, there are four elements (Fire, Earth, Air, and Water), three qualities (Cardinal, Fixed, and Mutable), and two polarities (Masculine and Feminine). FIRE signs are selfish. Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius are egotistical and demanding. This holier-than-thou bunch thinks the sun rises and sets on them. They attempt to control the rest of the world by force, intimidation, and temper tantrums. These human volcanoes erupt on a regular basis. EARTH signs are hardheaded. Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn are calculating, critical, and callous. They are preoccupied with work and penny-pinching and they point out everyone else's faults. Boring and churlish, they subscribe to the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do philosophy of control. They dole out their affections as carefully as their money. AIR signs are flighty. Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius are fickle, glib, and long-winded. They change lovers, jobs, and their minds as often as the rest of us change underwear. And with just as little thought. Rationalization and justification are Air's tools of control. They want us to think they are logical. In reality we usually give in just to shut them up. WATER signs are moody. Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces are the drama kings and queens. Self-destructive and manipulative, this awful bunch tries to control the rest of us through emotional bla