*One of Glamour ’s Best Books of 2020* Popular podcast host and personal finance expert Lindsay Goldwert explores what professional dominatrixes can teach us about confidence, power, and happiness. Imagine, for a moment, a world where the usual power dynamic is turned on its head. Where women not only stop apologizing, but seize—and enjoy—control. This is the quickly mainstreaming world of BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism)—and it has a lot to teach women about empowerment, negotiation, open-mindedness, and more. Journalist Lindsay Goldwert, intrigued by this seismic cultural shift, traveled across the United States to meet the stars of the subculture, who spoke frankly with her about their lives and work. In this “lively, funny, thoughtful channeling of wisdom” (Sara Benincasa, author of Real Artists Have Day Jobs ), these Alpha women show you how you can reset the power dynamic in any situation to get what you want—whether it’s from a husband, a boss, or partner. They share strategies for revolutionizing not only your sex life, but your career, your relationships, and most importantly, your inner foundations. With bondage gear popping up on the big screen, the runway, the red carpet, and in celebrity lingerie lines, BDSM is officially moving out of the dungeon and into the sun. Let Bow Down help you learn how to use it. “Whether your fantasies lie in the bedroom or the boardroom, Lindsay will give you the courage to go forth and dominate.” (Sarah Cooper, author of How to Be Successful without Hurting Men’s Feelings ). "Lindsay Goldwert goes where many of us haven't gone before! After reading her lively, funny, thoughtful channeling of wisdom from BDSM workers across the nation, your life will be a little less vanilla. Gentle reader, prepare for armchair travel at its naughtiest and most illuminating. And get ready to have a hell of a lot of fun." —Sara Benincasa, author of Agorafabulous! Dispatches from My Bedroom and Real Artists Have Day Jobs "If you're like me and consider yourself a total prude, this book will make you realize how much you've been missing. Whether your fantasies lie in the bedroom or the boardroom, Lindsay will give you the courage to go forth and dominate." —Sarah Cooper, author of How to Be Successful without Hurting Men's Feelings Lindsay Goldwert is the editor in chief of the online love and money magazine Money Date . She’s a journalist and the host of Spent , a money-themed storytelling podcast praised as “unique” by The A.V. Club and “funny and human” by The Globe and Mail (Toronto). She is the former editorial director of the personal-finance app Stash and hosted the Teach Me How to Money podcast. Her writing has appeared in New York magazine, The New York Daily News , ABCNews.com, Quartz , Refinery29 , Fast Company , Redbook , Slate , and many other publications. She lives in Queens, New York. Lesson #1: Kinky Words Are Life Words LESSON #1 KINKY WORDS ARE LIFE WORDS Kink and BDSM are playfulness with the sexual privileges of adulthood. —TINA HORN1 This is a book about power dynamics and how we can filter our communications and interactions through the tenets of BDSM. But in order to play responsibly during kinky sex (and in life), it all needs to be filtered through the framework of consent, negotiation, boundaries, safe words, and respect. Later in the book, I’ll talk about how BDSM is a great lens to examine our work lives, home lives, as well as our sex lives. But first, before we get there, we need to get down and dirty. Let’s define some terms, shall we? WHAT IS KINK AND BDSM? “Kink” is an umbrella term that can encompass almost anything that’s seen as outside the norm of “vanilla” sex. What’s vanilla sex? There’s no one definition, but one way to think about it is the kind of sex two people have in mainstream, R-rated movies. This can include the standard male/female positions and, some may argue, oral sex. Some may define vanilla sex as normative sex between two straight people. Others sum it up by saying it doesn’t matter who is doing it; if it doesn’t involve BDSM, it’s vanilla. There’s nothing wrong with vanilla sex! Like the ice cream, it can be sweet, delicious, and wonderful. For a lot of us, it can be the perfect way for you and your partner to express sexual desire and intimacy. Kinky people take a whole different view of sex and sensuality. For example, not everyone believes that the whole point of sex is for both people to have an orgasm. After all, we have wonderful brains that conjure wild and wicked fantasies, and billions of nerve endings (everywhere) that beg to be stroked and teased. Who among us doesn’t love ice cream? But some people, kinky people, want some sprinkles on their vanilla ice cream. Or they want rocky road with all the toppings. Or they just want to drip the ice cream down the backs of their partners and watch them squirm while they enjoy the sharp and crunchy co