Based on research from more than 10,000 surveys from children and parents of divorce, Collateral Damage presents parents with an overview of the negative impact that divorce has on their children and offers ways to better serve their needs at this critical time. Approximately fifty percent of marriages in the United State fail. Add to that the increasing number of couples who never marry, have children together, and later go their separate ways. In all of these scenarios, children suffer greatly—often in silence, as parents do not know how to effectively guide their kids. When the sorrow and emotional issues of children are not addressed, the cycle of divorce is likely to continue for them and in generations that follow. In addition, while children may appear to be resilient and adjusting, without proper support children of divorce are more prone to drug and alcohol abuse, criminal behavior, mental and physical illness, and suicide. How can parents manage their own hurt, shock, anger, and despair so that they can provide their children with what they need? While Collateral Damage does not advocate divorce, it does sound a wakeup call for parents. It identifies the landmines inherent in the dangerous terrain of divorce and equips them to help their children not to feel abandoned or unheard. Topics covered include: Building the family—not losing it - Tuning into your kids - Stabilizing childhood - Maintaining parent/child roles - Avoiding the parenting handoff - Keeping kids out of the war zone - Instilling trust - Keeping open lines of communication - Attuning to guiding, spiritual resources The unfortunate failure of a marriage does not mean the end of the family. Providing a stable, supportive, healthy relationship with your child demonstrates what a loving relationship looks like, better preparing them for intimate relationships and marriage as an adult. Dr. John T. Chirban has taught classes about relationships, sexuality, and spirituality at his alma mater, Harvard Medical School, for more than thirty years. In addition to teaching at Hellenic College and Holy Cross, he has served also as professor of psychology and chairman of the Program on Human Development for more than thirty years. He is in high demand as an international lecturer on family and spirituality speaking frequently before professional organizations and national societies, and as a guest consultant for magazines, newspapers, and radio shows. Since its inception, he has served on the Advisory Board for the Dr. Phil Show, where he is a frequent guest. He has also served as director of Cambridge Counseling Associates for more than thirty years, serves as a Guardian Ad Litem, in Massachusetts, where he has specializes in helping families through divorce. Dr. Chirban lives with his children in Carlisle, Massachusetts. Collateral Damage Guiding and Protecting Your Child Through the Minefield of Divorce By John T. Chirban Thomas Nelson Copyright © 2017 John T. Chirban, PhD, ThD All rights reserved. ISBN: 978-0-7180-7988-8 Contents Foreword by Dr. Phil McGraw, xi, Acknowledgments, xiii, Before You Begin: Your Child and Your Divorce, xvii, Part 1: Guiding and Protecting Your Children, Chapter 1: Attune to Your Child, 3, Chapter 2: Manage Emotions and Stormy Situations, 28, Chapter 3: Sustain Your Parental Role, 59, Chapter 4: Provide Stability Through Nurturance, 75, Part 2: Navigating Divorce for Parents, Chapter 5: Regain Control — Reclaim Yourself, 99, Chapter 6: Realign Your Relationships, 122, Chapter 7: Redefine Parenting, 143, Chapter 8: Retain Your Parenthood in a Blended Family, 161, Chapter 9: Preserve Loving Relationships, 180, A Final Word: Redirecting Your Divorce Through Spiritual Life, 194, Appendix: The Divorce Study Survey, 199, Notes, 206, About the Author, 211, CHAPTER 1 ATTUNE TO YOUR CHILD I came to understand that a parent's pain is alleviated when they choose to divorce and get away from each other. But I also discovered that their pain is inadvertently placed onto their child and the child becomes the recipient of two people's pain. No matter how much counseling the child receives or how well the parents handle the process, their pain is transferred to their child. It is ultimately the child that has to pay for the parents' divorce. — Parent (married eighteen years) Parental Oversight 1 During the throes of divorce, you may tune out your children, leaving them alone to manage the separation of the family. When you are unaware of your children's needs, you may not engage in effective communication with them, missing an invaluable and critical opportunity to bond as they try to sort through their thoughts and feelings about the shake-up of divorce. I felt horrible. No one told me. I just knew because of the fights. When my father eventually left, I knew that he would never come back to me. I felt worthless and lonely, primarily because my mother had some issues and sh