PREPARE TO BE BEAKED BY THE MAJESTIC EAGLE OF HISTORY Most of us are familiar with the greatest hits and legendary heroes of US history. In George Washington Is Cash Money , Cory O’Brien, author of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes , does away with the pomp and circumstance and calls America’s history what it is: one long, violent soap opera. In his signature clever, crude, and cuss-ridden style, O’Brien reminds us that: • Teddy Roosevelt stopped bullets with his manly chest • Harriet Tubman avoided danger by having prophetic seizures. • Joseph Smith invented Mormonism by staring into a hat full of rocks. • Billy the Kid was finally defeated by the smell of fresh bacon. And there’s plenty more Star Spangled stupidity where that came from! Praise for Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes “I was giggling by the first page and full blown LOLing by the first myth. It’s really that funny.” –Electric Feast   “It is in fact the not-so-delicate, in-your-face attitude, sarcasm, and black humor that have made this book an instant standout against the other mythology chronicles of its time.” –The Blue & Gold Cory O’Brien is a word-wizard and technojester of the first degree and the creator of Myths Retold! (BetterMyths.com), as well as the author of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes , George Washington is Cash Money, and his debut novel Two Truths and a Lie. He reads and writes mythology, science fiction, and computer code. He has camped with gypsies, juggled for food, and driven across the country in a car powered by vegetable oil. Now he lives in Chicago, where he recently graduated with an MFA in writing from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Cory's dream is to one day travel to Mars, or at least to own a jacket made entirely of pockets. Benjamin Franklin Is the God of Lightning   I know what you’re expecting because I know how books like this usually go. I’m supposed to tick off the Founding Fathers one by one and tell you what assholes they all actually are. You know why popular history likes to do this? Because everyone loves to see their heroes look bad and if you have enough information about a dude it is SUPER EASY to make him look like a dingus. BAM INSTANT BESTSELLER.   I did it with Christopher Columbus because he’s terrible and I did it with George Washington ’cause he’s the colonial equivalent of a trust fund kid but now it’s time to talk about Ben Franklin and I won’t do it. It’s not that I can’t make Big Ben look like a prick. Dude may have (definitely) hit on his best bro’s girl while his bro was out of town one time and he may have (definitely) refused to marry a lady because her parents wouldn’t pay off ALL HIS DEBT and he may have (definitely) cheated on his wife and then fathered a son who eventually fought against him in the revolution but when the best dirt historians can dig up on you is that you had a lot of extramarital sex well, at worst you’re the Zeus of the thirteen colonies.   Ben gets born in Boston around 1706 which means he had exactly seventy years to become enough of a ruckus-causer to spark off the American Revolution. Yeah imagine your granddad banging hookers in France while simultaneously negotiating military treaties and maybe then you’ll understand why I like this guy.   Anyway he gets born he works for his brother as a printer for a while teaches himself writing (because he’s too poor for college) and then goes “fuck this” and moves to Philly because he hears they have dope sandwiches. In Philly, he keeps being a printer and he’s so goddamn good at it (spoiler: Ben Franklin is good at EVERYTHING) that pretty soon dudes are just handing him cash to buy his own press and start his own business.   So now he becomes a master printer buys a couple slaves (but don’t worry, he frees them later and he doesn’t even have to die first!) and starts a newspaper which he uses to manipulate the opinions of Philadelphia’s ENTIRE GOVERNMENT. He also starts a weekly discussion group which gets so popular that each member starts his own discussion group and from that point on Ben Franklin owns Philadelphia.   Let me explain how this works: Anytime Benjamin Franklin wants a thing to happen the first thing he does is write a paper about it then he reads it in his discussion group and then he gives it to each of his members and has them read it in their discussion group then he publishes it in his newspaper which is the most popular newspaper in the city and then when everybody is talking about his plan he goes to the assembly (which he is also the clerk of, coincidentally) and is like “Hey, guys it seems like everybody wants this thing to happen maybe you should do it.” BOOM. POLITICS.   He uses this technique to get a night watch a fire department a militia a hospital a university paved roads and a library (while also securing himself a contract to print ALL THE MONEY IN PENNSYLVANI