"She’s [Maggy is] really funny . . . If I had a self-destructive young adult in my life  . . .  this is probably the book I’d get her.” — The New York Times Book Review  “ How Not to Fall Apart  is the book that finally understands mental health, and it'll make you feel infinitely less alone.” —HelloGiggles Featured in  The New York Post , Lenny Letter, BuzzFeed, and more. What no one tells you about living with anxiety and depression—learned the hard way   Maggy van Eijk knows the best place to cry in public. She also knows that eating super salty licorice or swimming in icy cold water are things that make you feel alive but, unlike self-harm, aren't bad for you. These are the things to remember when you're sad. Turning 27, Maggy had the worst mental health experience of her life so far. She ended a three-year relationship. She lost friends and made bad decisions. She drank too much and went to ER over twelve times. She saw three different therapists and had three different diagnoses. She went to two burn units for self-inflicted wounds and was escorted in an ambulance to a mental health crisis center. But that's not the end of her story. Punctuated with illustrated lists reminiscent of Maggy's popular BuzzFeed posts, How Not to Fall Apart shares the author's hard-won lessons about what helps and what hurts on the road to self-awareness and better mental health. This is a book about what it's like to live with anxiety and depression, panic attacks, self-harm and self-loathing--and it's also a hopeful roadmap written by someone who's been there and is still finding her way. MAGGY VAN EIJK has written numerous popular articles about mental health for BuzzFeed and elsewhere. Currently the social media manager for the BBC, she lives in London. Chapter 1   Before We Begin   Is this a good idea?"   "Is this a good idea?"   "Are we sure this is a good idea?"   This is the conversation I have with myself the most, sometimes out loud in the futile hope someone out there will reply. I said it when I told my doctor about my anxiety, I said it when I swallowed my first dose of Citalopram, I said it when I took myself to the ER, and I said it when I was thinking about writing this book.   Is it a good idea to write about something I'm still very much in the middle of? It feels like writing about war when I'm still on the battlefield or reporting on an earthquake when shockwaves are tearing down houses around me.   Deep down I know that writing this book is a good idea because it's what's helping me continue on. I have a Quality Street tin of mental health conditions that sometimes decide to get together and make a joint appearance. One condition at a time is relatively manageable but when they all flare up at once it feels like I'm walking around with my head on fire. Only no one can see the blaze. Apart from the scars that run up and down my arms like a train track, everything looks calm. Business as usual.   I hope that by writing my story, by turning my brain inside out and making the invisible visible, I can help someone in a similar position, someone who feels they're stuck in the trenches and there's no way out. What I've learned so far is that no matter how shitty your situation is, there is an escape route, and every time you climb out you'll be more equipped to deal with the next falling down. This book aims to remind people of that, and myself too.   No matter how shitty your situation is, there is an escape route.   Ultimately, your mental illness lies to you. It'll tell you that everything is wrong and that you have no future. It'll tell you that you should be ashamed and you're a nuisance and you don't deserve to get help. The world in which depression and anxiety reign supreme is extremely lonely, and I wanted to write this book to reach out and say: "Hey there, you're not alone, I'm right there with you."   Having said that, everyone's mind is unique, and while our background and diagnoses might sound similar, my story can't encompass your entire experience. In fact, diagnoses can be a strange thing. I was told I had unipolar depression at age seventeen, then a doctor came along and added bipolar to the mix in my early twenties, another one went back to the original conclusion, and finally, aged twenty-seven I was told I have borderline personality disorder. Each time I received a new diagnosis, I assumed I'd step out of my doctor's office and my entire life would change, but it never did. Instead, my mental health remained the same tough slog of a thing I have to push through to move forward.   This book isn't specifically about my borderline personality disorder, but it might touch on symptoms of that condition. I'll also touch on depression, anxiety, self-harm, and self-esteem while moving through my body-the head, the skin, the heart-and the world around me. I'll talk about the moments we all have when you're stressed, angry, sad,or all three. When you're plummeting into a sinkhole. Whe