Too many people have surrendered to the belief that dissatisfaction, neglect, infidelity, abuse, disrespect, conflict, exploitation and betrayal are natural, normal, and unavoidable characteristics of romantic relationships and even marriage. We are presented with a choice: relationships that don't last and relationships that do, as long as participants are willing to endure inevitable suffering, mistreatment, and victimization, usually at the hands of one another. Loving in the Grown Zone is a rejection of that thinking. It is testament to the authors' belief that while there may be no such thing as a perfect relationship, that is not justification for accepting anything less than healthy relationships. No one is required to accept mistreatment as the price of a loving, safe, and sustainable relationship of honor, esteem, and respect. Furthermore, establishing such healthy, resilient, and fulfilling relationships are not a matter of luck or chance, but of intention, learnable skills and practices, and commitment to personal growth. Loving in the Grown Zone urges you to learn those skills and commit to those practices, including recognizing the difference between the attractors that motivate us to initiate romantic relationships and the sustainers required to ensure that such relationships are healthy, safe, and affirming for both partners. Loving in the Grown Zone A No-Nonsense Guide to Making Healthy Decisions in the Quest for Loving, Romantic Relationships of Honor, Esteem, and Respect By Zara D. Green, Alfred A. Edmond Jr. Balboa Press Copyright © 2014 Zara D. Green and Alfred A. Edmond Jr. All rights reserved. ISBN: 978-1-4525-9753-9 Contents Dedication, vii, Preface, ix, Introduction, xi, Adulthood Happens: Personal Growth Is A Choice, 1, To Find Healthy Love, Embrace Your Single Life, 4, 3 Signs That He Is Not A Grown Man, 7, 3 Signs That She's Not A Grown Woman, 11, Hot New Romance? Only Fools Rush In, 16, 3 Reasons We Commit To Love That Won't Last, 19, 4 Things You Shouldn't Give Up For Love, 23, 3 Keys To Healthy Relationships, 29, A Quality Mate Never Needs A Makeover, 33, What Grown Folks Know About Love That Most Don't, 36, Forget The Man Shortage: Grown Men Don't Cheat, 39, Don't Confuse Sex And Love, 41, What To Look For In The Search For Lasting Love, 44, If You're Addicted To Love, It's Not Love, 47, To Find Healthy Relationships, End Unhealthy Ones, 49, 3 Ways To Treat Break-Ups As Acts Of Love, 53, Respect The Power of The Poonannie (Feminine Sexuality), 57, Be Guided By Self-Love, Not Ego, 60, Why Players Don't Deserve A Pass, 64, Stop Being Fooled By `I Love You', 67, Possessiveness Has Nothing To Do With Healthy Love, 70, A Grown Man Is Not Ruled By His Sex Drive, 73, Never Settle For Less Than Good For You, 76, Just Say No To Crazy Love, 79, 4 Popular Relationship Fixes That Never Work, 82, Grown Fatherhood Is A Choice, Not An Accident, 86, Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself For Love, 90, Stop Financial Foolery In The Name Of Love, 94, Wedding Planning Is Not Marriage Planning, 103, To Find Love, Accept No Substitutes, 107, Forgiveness Does Not Mean Accepting Unloving Treatment, 110, How To Recognize Good Love, 113, Glossary, 119, Resources, 123, About the Authors, 125, CHAPTER 1 Adulthood Happens: Personal Growth Is A Choice In the Grown Zone, we differentiate between being an adult, and being "Grown." We recognize that most people view these terms as synonymous, but there is a significant difference between the two. All it takes to become an adult is to survive puberty; it is simply a matter of biological maturation—from infant, to toddler, to child, to tween, to teen, and then, adult. However, it is a mistake to view adulthood as the final stage of personal growth. Stopping at mere adulthood is the equivalent of arrested development, just as it would be if you stopped at any of the previous stages of maturation. The alternative is not something that just happens, but must be a conscious choice to continuously learn, grow and to increase your capacity to give and receive love throughout your lifetime. That is, to be Grown. When pain, drama, unstable relationships, and self-destructive choices are recurrent themes of a person's life, there is a high probability that the person, regardless of their age, has not committed to personal growth. A sure sign is when a person keeps repeating the same drama (i.e. unplanned pregnancies, job firings, violent encounters, failed marriages, etc.), seeing life not as a result of their choices, but a series of things that happen or are being done to them that they have no responsibility or power to change. On the other hand, those who choose to be Grown accept and own the choices and outcomes of their lives, and proactively pursue learning and growth. They understand that "It just happened" is just code for "I made an adult choice without an agenda for Grown decision-making