Everyone is compulsive to some degree. People may worry too much, work too hard, or overindulge in food or alcohol or drug use. Once a compulsion is admitted, the usual option is to try to control the behavior. But this effort typically ends with the problem compulsion returning, or a new one taking its place. In this book based on three decades of research, Mary O’Malley has crafted a new approach to healing compulsion, with simple exercises and techniques and an inspiring tone. People are compulsive for a reason, she says, and by observing the things they are compulsive about, engaging those compulsions, readers can begin to understand them and change their actions around them. The book’s exercises help readers in the engagement process by teaching them to ask the right questions. The book shows readers why lasting healing comes from being curious rather than controlling, and self-acceptance comes through forgiveness, not shame. The Gift of Our Compulsions A Revolutionary Approach to Self-Acceptance and Healing By Mary O'Malley New World Library Copyright © 2004 Mary O'Malley All rights reserved. ISBN: 978-1-57731-470-7 Contents Acknowledgments, Introduction, Part One The Healing Journey, 1. My Journey, Our Journey, 2. Reconnecting with Yourself, Part Two Transforming Our Relationship with Compulsions, 3. Recognizing Our Compulsions as Friends, 4. Learning to Respond, 5. Moving from Management to Engagement, Part Three Four Basic Skills for Working with Compulsions, 6. Some Fundamentals for Learning the Skills, 7. Skill One: Cultivating Curiosity, 8. Skill Two: Loving Ourselves from the Inside Out, 9. Skill Three: Opening to Our Breath, 10. Skill Four: Coming Home to Ourselves, Part Four Treasure Hunting, 11. Preparing to Find the Treasure, 12. The Healing Power of Questions, 13. Treasure Hunting with Sensations, 14. Treasure Hunting with Feelings, 15. Treasure Hunting with Compulsions, Conclusion: Coming Full Circle, Appendix: Handy Reference Guide to Skills and Techniques, Notes, Resources, Index, About the Author, CHAPTER 1 MY JOURNEY, OUR Journeys I trust myself. How long has it been since you have been able to say this? Take a moment and imagine what it would be like to really trust yourself. Trusting yourself is about loving yourself from the inside out, accepting every part of your being. It is about living in your body, connected to an inner wellspring of deep wisdom that supports and guides you every moment of your life. And it is about having a responsive mind, one that is passionately curious about what is happening right here, right now. I also trust my life. I know how to wake up each morning and open to the unfolding of my day — both the easy and the difficult parts of it — aware that whatever shows up is a part of my journey into an ever-deepening connection with life. I am much more fascinated with showing up for what is than with trying to make it into what I think it should be. The joy this brings is beyond words. How have I been fortunate enough to find a deep and wondrous connection with myself and with life when so many people live in reaction, existing in a world of struggle that is usually subtle and sometimes very painful? So many live in the belief that they need to be better or different from what they are to be okay. How do I experience a deep love affair with myself when so many not only do not love themselves but think that if they do they are being selfish? And how did I discover the joy of living in my body when so many live almost exclusively in their heads, believing that their bodies are just vehicles for maneuvering through their lives rather than wellsprings of wisdom, clarity, and support? The amazing thing is that it was my compulsions that brought me to a deep and abiding connection with myself and with life. It wasn't always that way. As a child I lived in a household where nobody was really there, a familiar experience for many of us. Sure, people were going through the motions of living, but there was no real human contact. There were no playful eyes, no loving arms, no listening hearts that welcomed me into the world and let me know that I was valued for who I was. Children need a sense of connection and support from their caregivers. Being deprived of this essential nutrient of life, I left the world of I am!, in which I was easily and comfortably myself, and instead based my life on the belief that I am not/I should be — that I was not smart enough, beautiful enough, witty enough, that I had to change myself to make myself "better." I became a human doing rather than a human being, and the further I got away from who I really was, the more I lived from fear. I tried to make myself into the right kind of person to get the connection that I so desperately needed, but it was never enough. By the time I was a teenager, self-judgment and despair filled me to my core, and my life became a never-en