Getting a Ph.D. is an intellectually exciting experience. It can also be very painful. Roughly 40,000 doctoral students graduate each year in the United States. Most of them bear the scars of what is too often a lonely and difficult rite of passage. They all could have benefited from seeing the lighter side of the doctoral process, and that is what The Ph.D. Survival Guide provides.Learn how to pick a school based on its location, plead for acceptance, identify subspecies of Homo doctoratus, avoid professorial deadwood, select courses that aren't lethal, qualify for a platinum copying card, raise jargon to an art form, interact with unsympathetic friends and family members, footnote one's way to nirvana, suck up to secretaries, survive the dissertation defense without crying, and reenter the real world. The Ph.D. Survival Guide blends humor with advice that will help doctoral students graduate more or less in one piece. I wrote this book because it is the kind of book I would have liked to have had when I went through my Ph.D. program--as a light break from my studies. I hope that this book helps Ph.D. students, as well as those thinking about getting a Ph.D., laugh a little and gain a better perspective on the process. Eric jay Dolin has degrees from Brown University, the Yale School of Forestry and Environmental Studies, and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (Ph.D.). He has worked as a program manager at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, an environmental consultant stateside and in London, an intern at the National Wildlife Federation and on Capitol Hill, a fisheries policy analyst at the National Marine Fisheries Service, and an American Association for the Advancement of Science Mass Media Science and Engineering Fellow at Business Week . Much of Dolin's writing reflects his interest in wildlife, the environment, and American history. His books include the Smithsonian Book of National Wildlife Refuges , Snakehead: A Fish Out of Water , and Political Waters . His book, Leviathan: The History of Whaling In America (W. W. Norton), was chosen as one of the best nonfiction books of 2007 by the Los Angeles Times and the Boston Globe . Leviathan also won awards, including the 2007 John Lyman Award for U. S. Maritime History and the twenty-third annual L. Byrne Waterman Award, given by the New Bedford Whaling Museum, for outstanding contributions to whaling research and history. His most recent book is Fur, Fortune, and Empire: The Epic History of the Fur Trade (W. W. Norton, July 2010), a national bestseller, was chosen by New West , The Seattle Times , and The Rocky Mountain Land Library as one of the top non-fiction books of 2010. Dave Carpenter (illustrator) has been a full time cartoonist since 1981. His cartoons have appeared in a number of publications, including the Harvard Business Review, Barrons, The Wall Street Journal, Readers Digest, Good Housekeeping, Better Homes & Gardens, The Saturday Evening Post , as well as in a number of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Dave has also illustrated comic strips, posters, greeting cards, and magazine articles and covers. He is a member of the National Cartoonist Society and Cartoonist Association. Chapter 1 Introduction The Ph.D. process is intense and serious, but there is also a humorous way of looking at it. This book shows you the funny side of getting what is affectionately referred to as a "Fud," while at the same time offering practical advice for surviving the process. Topics include picking a school based on its location, pleading for acceptance, identifying subspecies of Homo doctoratus, avoiding professorial deadwood, selecting courses that won t kill you, qualifying for a platinum copying card, raising jargon to an art form, interacting with friends and family members who think you re pathetic, footnoting your way to nirvana, sucking up to your professor s secretary, picking yourself up off the floor after the dissertation defense, and reentering the real world. This book is intended for four audiences: Ph.D.s, those that are thinking of entering a doctoral program, those who are in the process of completing a doctorate, and those who know someone who is getting a degree. Anointed doctors should read it to relive the years or decades they spent toiling in the hallowed halls and ivory towers of academia, remembering all the while that no matter how they feel about the process, it s over, and laughing about the past is better than crying. For prospective students, please keep in mind that satire is built upon varying degrees of truth. Therefore, the more you laugh at the situations described in this book the more carefully you should weigh the decision to go to graduate school. For those who have already taken the plunge, please use this book as a diversion from your studies. All work and no play may help you get tenure one day, but it's no way to live. Finally, if you are familiar with the Ph.D. proce