A bold rethinking of the wedding ceremony - and what comes before and after - designed to prepare us for modern marriage. Many couples today feel uncomfortable with the rituals traditionally associated with getting married. The old ceremonies can feel too overtly religious and out of step with the complexities of contemporary relationships. In response to this dilemma, The School of Life has rethought the ideal wedding day and redesigned the entire process from scratch. The book begins by proposing new methods of psychological preparation, providing practical advice on how to prepare not only for the day of the wedding, but for the long marriage that follows. Also included is a practical and thoughtfully redesigned wedding ceremony, covering everything from picking a venue to writing vows and selecting readings. With their trademark wisdom and warmth, The School of Life presents a bold rethinking of one of humankind's most important and popular rituals. AN OUTLINE FOR A NEW KIND OF WEDDING CEREMONY: based on psychological theory rather than religious traditions. - INCLUDES PRACTICAL INSTRUCTION: for marriage preparation, as well as advice for married life. - GENDER INCLUSIVE: and non-heteronormative. - PART OF THE NEW PAPERBACK SERIES 'LESSONS FOR LIFE' The School of Life is a global organization helping people lead more fulfilled lives. Through our range of books, gifts and stationery we aim to prompt more thoughtful natures and help everyone to find fulfillment. The School of Life is a resource for exploring self-knowledge, relationships, work, socializing, finding calm, and enjoying culture through content, community, and conversation. You can find us online, in stores and in welcoming spaces around the world offering classes, events, and one-to-one therapy sessions. The School of Life is a rapidly growing global brand, with over 7 million YouTube subscribers, 389,000 Facebook followers, 174,000 Instagram followers and 166,000 Twitter followers. The School of Life Press brings together the thinking and ideas of the School of Life creative team under the direction of series editor, Alain de Botton. Their books share a coherent, curated message that speaks with one voice: calm, reassuring, and sane. v. Loving and Being Loved We learn about love, initially, by being loved. If things went moderately well in childhood, we have powerful memories of being (at least from time to time) on the receiving end of immense understanding kindness. And very little was expected in return. Our caregivers didn’t assume that – aged 3 or 6 – we could solve their problems; they didn’t expect us to listen carefully to their heartaches or shoulder a range of domestic responsibilities; they didn’t berate us for not making enough money or for being too materialistic. Often enough, in their eyes we were deeply lovely and they readily embraced the tasks of nurturing our strengths and consoling our woes; in return they only hoped for the occasional hug and sweet smile. We learned a huge amount about what it feels like to be loved. This childhood experience feels to us like the normal template of a loving relationship. In our eyes, the parent’s love was natural and instinctive: of course they were there to pat our head, enquire tenderly and patiently about the little incidents of our day, to cheer us on, to share our troubles and to look after us without asking for us to do the equivalent for them. Largely, the parents carefully shielded us from insight into what their devotion to us cost them. They didn’t say that they were on the point of losing their temper with us five times but managed to hold back; they didn’t explain that they dropped into bed utterly worn out and depleted; they didn’t usually let us see the degree of inner conflict they felt; however much they loved us, they feared they were trading portions of their lives making us sandwiches and calming us down when they should have been building their careers. We didn’t know what it was really like for them – and, in a sense, we didn’t really care. In adulthood, we encounter love in the guise of feeling loved. But for a relationship to survive we need to do something very tricky: we need to become like the parent whose efforts we never understood. We want to be loved, but we have to be loving in return. The pure demand to be loved is disastrous, because no-one except a parent can settle for such a degree of inequality. We have to become, at least sometimes, the one who subordinates their desires to the comfort and security of the other; we need to listen, without particularly being listened to; we need to sympathise even though, at the moment, it’s all one way; we need to appear charmed even if inside we’re a touch bored; we need – perhaps for the first time – to do what a parent did for us and put the interests of another, briefly but truly, ahead of our own. Marriage may be summarised as the project of doing an utterly remarkable thing: surrendering at