When does 1 + 1 = 3 (or more)? When you've got a baby on the way. Part of that new math, says #1 New York Times bestselling author Jill Conner Browne—whom USA TODAY calls “just plain funny”—includes the addition of an outsize sense of humor to balance the equation of your growing family. The Sweet Potato Queens' Guide to Raising Children for Fun and Profit is a hilarious (though not scientifically tested) wink at the time-honored mysteries of parenting, because anybody who has ever had a kid or has ever known one knows that the experience is neither fun nor profitable—so you might as well laugh! As each generation begins its hopeful, happy, and, yes, sometimes harrowing journey as Parent and Child, together they spawn a new body of “knowledge,” the nuances of which will elude the Experts every time. Here are stories of the things we do for Mother Love—or, the most incredibly full-time volunteer job ever—and tips guaranteed not to be found in any other parenting guide. -How to talk to a pregnant woman -How the diamonds on delivery policy can speed up the labor nature intended -Why a good mother is always adept at subterfuge -The list of things you wouldn't think you would have to tell kids not to do -Why mothers of sons can never retire -Why, for parents, it's just a short drive to the poorhouse The Sweet Potato Queens' Guide to Raising Children for Fun and Profit will have everyone who's ever been a parent—or has ever thought of becoming one—or has ever been a child—or is still one—giggling and grinning (no small feat) through those childbearing years...and beyond. Jill Conner Browne is the New York Times bestselling author of six Sweet Potato Queens books. She lives and writes on all things Queenly from Jackson, Mississippi. The Sweet Potato Queens' Guide to Raising Children for Fun and Profit By Jill Conner Browne Simon & Schuster Copyright © 2008 Jill Conner Browne All right reserved. ISBN: 9780743278379 1 Holy Shit! The Cutest Boy in the World is a Man Who Can Fix Things. The man can fix anything -- any thing -- even if he broke it first, he can fix it. He can build anything, unclog anything, hang anything, patch anything, retool, replumb, and/or rewire anything. (This is only one of his many gifts -- but it's the one we're talking about at the moment. And the value of a man with the ability -- and willingness -- to fix things cannot be overstated.) At times, even he is agog at his uncanny talent for fixing things -- especially when it comes to electrical stuff. He says that as many times as he has performed the (for him) simple act of, say, installing a new light fixture and switch -- he never ceases to be amazed when he flips the switch and the sumbitch actually works . This would be on account of Electricity is just a huge mystery of our universe. Yeah, yeah -- there are countless electrical engineers and other geeks who can explain till those proverbial bovines have their much-touted homecoming how it works, but nobody knows WHY. I mean, what a weird force of nature and how bizarre that we just take it for granted every minute of our lives -- we just accept that if we plug it in, it works. I swear, you could make yourself crazy if you spent much time contemplating it -- so don't -- just every once in a while allow yourself a much-deserved moment of "holy shit" when the lights do, in fact, come on. Well, in my opinion, getting pregnant is just like that. From the time you are a fairly small human, you have heard tell of how this is accomplished -- and talk about bizarre . It is pretty earth-shattering news the first time you hear about it, no? But everybody pretty much knows what goes where and the potential outcome of it all, and on the surface it would seem to be pretty simple -- I mean, even the dumbest dog on the planet has figured it out on his own, so how hard could it be? Why it works is the big fucking (excuse the pun) mystery. Conception is easy to explain, but copulation is mind-boggling, even to people who've been doing it for more than fifty years -- it is just such a weird thing to do with another person if you really stop to think about it. (Probably best if you don't, though -- could be off-putting. And it seems to me that the Creator of the Universe could have made the whole thing a bit more dignified -- but, then again, He could prolly tell right off that we were destined to take ourselves way too seriously and, boy hidee, is this ever a surefire remedy.) When you first hear the news -- either in the corner of a school yard from a smug classmate who really does have the SCOOP of the century or from a squirming parent who would rather be set on fire than have this Discussion -- no matter where the info comes from, on one level you are completely floored, terrified, embarrassed, and confused, and on another level some part of your humanness just accepts it as fact. More likely than not, no matter where your in