Elaine Aron follows up her bestsellers on the highly sensitive person with a groundbreaking new book on the undervalued self. She explains that self-esteem results from having a healthy balance of love and power in our lives. Readers will learn to incorporate love into situations that seem to require power and deal with power struggles that mask themselves as issues of love. From the bedroom to the boardroom, her strategies will enable us to escape feelings of shame, defeat, and depression; dissolve relationship hostility; and become our best selves. With Aron's clear, empathetic writing and extraordinary scientific and human insight, The Undervalued Self is a simple and effective guide to developing healthy, fulfilling relationships, and finding true self-worth. "Elaine Aron is a protector of the heart-a woman who offers a wise perspective on what it means to be a true, authentic human being who honors his or her soul. The Undervalued Self takes a critical (and insightful) look at what keeps people from fully expressing their power and engaging in the highest form of human activity-connecting with others in a deep and respectful way. I highly recommend this book!"― Cheryl Richardson, New York Times bestselling author of Take Time for Your Life and Life Makeovers "Elaine Aron's newest book, The Undervalued Self, is the centerpiece of a new psychology of liberation that is must reading for all of us--the timid and the bold alike. She carries her keen insights on human nature over from her bestseller, The Highly Sensitive Person , to this new domain of advising us how to free ourselves from the many constraints that limit our potential. She guides us on a path to discovering new joys and fulfillment in our personal and professional lives."― Philip G. Zimbardo, author of The Time Paradox and The Lucifer Effect Elaine Aron, Ph.D. , is recognized internationally as one of the leading scientists studying the psychology of love and close relationships. Her work has appeared in the New York Times , Time Magazine , and National Geographic , and she has appeared on national morning shows on many networks. She is the author of The Highly Sensitive Person , The Highly Sensitive Person in Love , and The Highly Sensitive Child . She divides her time between New York and San Francisco. The Undervalued Self Restore Your Love/Power Balance, Transform the Inner Voice That Holds You Back, and Find Your True Self-Worth By Aron, Elaine N. Little, Brown and Company Copyright © 2010 Aron, Elaine N. All right reserved. ISBN: 9780316066990 CHAPTER ONE Ranking, Linking, and the Undervalued Self Much of what we do every day is to compare ourselves to others and to strive for respect, influence, and power. That is, we rank ourselves among others. Equally often we link with others by expressing affection, caring, and love, to feel connected and secure. At times we combine the two, for example, by using our rank in the service of a link when we want to improve another’s life, as when we teach or advise someone or parent our children. Ranking and linking are always with us. Sometimes we are conscious of these activities and sometimes not. Either way, ranking and linking play a role in almost all of our personal relationships and problems, including the problem of undervaluing ourselves. When we undervalue ourselves, we are ranking ourselves too low. Often we drop into an all-or-nothing feeling of worthlessness or shame as we identify with a part of our personality we would otherwise avoid — the undervalued self. This self is out of touch with reality; it is inaccurate in that it underestimates. Whether we are trapped in that self for a moment or for a lifetime, we lose opportunities and suffer greatly. While ranking is the source of the undervalued self, the right balance of ranking and linking offers the best solution for it. As you become more aware of how you rank and link with others and see the deeper, mostly unconscious and instinctual reasons why you undervalue yourself, you can often avoid tapping into this self with surprising ease. And when you cannot, this awareness is even more essential for dealing with the undervalued self. Ranking and linking have been observed in the behavior of all higher animals, but researchers have only very recently begun to recognize these activities as the two primary innate systems guiding all of our social behavior. The phrase “linking and ranking” captures the breadth of what we sometimes mean by “love and power.” Love is one part of the broader behavior called linking; ranking is what actually determines power. “Ranking and linking” was first used as a term in political psychology in 1983 by Riane Eisler and David Loye, and the importance of the ranking-linking interconnection was picked up again in the early 1990s in social psychology, but since then the term has rarely been used. Separately, however, topics related to power and love have always been a