A psychologist presents solutions to help couples restore and strengthen relationships that are going stale and will get them back on track when things are going awry. Dr. Ellen F. Wachtel, author of  We Love Each Other, But... is widely known in the field of marriage and family therapy. She has a Ph.D. in psychology and a law degree from Harvard Law School. She has taught at the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy, New York University, the City University of New York, and New York City's St. Lukes-Roosevelt Hospital. Married for more than thirty years and the mother of two grown children, she lives in New York City. WE LOVE EACH OTHER, BUT Chapter 1Four Basic Truths About What Makes Love LastIt was a real question. He really wanted to know. "How did we get to this place? How did it get so bad? We started out crazy about each other, and look at us now." John was truly perplexed and sad about what his wife, Lori, had just said. She had described feeling that John wasn't very interested in her anymore. He would rather be with other people and do almost anything other than spend time alone with her. John had no real answer to this. In his heart he knew Lori was right. Deep down he thought he still loved her, but he wasn't 100 percent sure of it. He knew he wanted to love her. It upset him to know that he hurt her, but he didn't know how to fix what had gone wrong."What went wrong?" is a question I hear from almost every couple I counsel. And as often as I hear it, I am always saddened by how love can unravel if care isn't taken to preserve it.This chapter will tell you the four basic truths about what makes relationships work well, and what can lead to the erosion of relationships that started out with solid foundations. Like all basic truths they are obvious, known by almost everyone but all too easily forgotten. Don't be deceived by their simplicity. Asmany of you have come to know, keeping one's eye, mind, and heart on the basics can lead to profound changes in outlook. When I describe these truths to the often very upset and angry couples I work with, the atmosphere in the room changes to one of rapt attention. There are flashes of recognition and a sense of finally understanding what had happened to their relationship.This chapter lays out the building blocks for a successful relationship. Just as I do with the couples who see me in my office, I will tell you how to translate these basic truths into new ways of interacting so that you and your spouse feel truly loved and appreciated.Truth #1: We Love Those Who Make Us Feel Good About OurselvesIf you remember this one point, you will get enough out of this book to give your marriage a good shot at success. And in my experience working with couples whose marriages are in trouble, this simple truth is frequently ignored.Richard and Jackie came to me for counseling after feeling disillusioned with their seven-year marriage. Jackie, a thirty-four-year-old accountant, works long hours "for not enough money." Before work she struggles to get three-year-old Amanda up, dressed, and fed quickly so that she can drop her at nursery school before going to work. Richard, a thirty-five-year-old electrical engineer, works in a distant suburb. He leaves the house before Jackie and Amanda are out of bed. When he gets home at about seven P.M., the baby-sitter leaves and he starts dinner so that they can eat when Jackie gets home at eight or eight-thirty.In a recent session, Jackie shrugged and said half-apologetically,"It's hard to explain what's bothering me. I know my husband loves me, but at my office and with friends--in fact, just about anywhere else--I feel like I get a more positive response than I do from him. Sometimes I think I'm being childish when I want him to compliment me--Richard certainly thinks I am. I know when you've been together as long as we have it's not realistic to want your husband to go gaga over you, but still I'm worried because I feel better when I'm away from him than when I'm with him. I think the problem may be me. It's not as if I think he doesn't love me. Maybe I just need too much ego-stroking.""I feel the same way," said Richard. "But I tell myself to grow up. This is real life, not a romance novel. Everyone in my office thinks I'm great, not only because of the work I do but because they think I'm a decent guy. I'm the one everyone tells their problems to. But at home all I hear is how inattentive I am when Jackie's talking, how I don't do my share of the housework, or how I'm not 'nurturant'--whatever that is!"These are not the only reasons Jackie and Richard have come to see me. This feeling of being unappreciated is just one of the concerns that emerge when I ask them to tell me what has lead them to seek couples counseling. Like so many couples who come to see me, Richard and Jackie are committed to each other and want nothing more than to provide their child with a happy and secure home. They both say with conviction that the